The Game of sWeeping

Over the last few weeks I have discovered an excellent new game.

I call it sWeeping and it is most enjoyable.

The rules are fairly simple, as I will explain below.

The Playing Field
This can be anywhere, but for me tends to be the back garden.

The Pieces
You need:

• some space
• a lot of leafseses
• a Him or a Her (I currently use a Him but it doesn’t matter)
• a scrapey stick thing
• a leafs sucky vanishing thing (optional, not pictured)

In case you aren’t sure what these are, there are some pictures on the right to help.

The Rules
Closely follow the Him or the Her as they assemble the playing pieces which are not already in place. Bonus points for barking, a sideswipe on the calf with a SafeStix, and a special bonus if you can jump up and knock them over by surprise.

When all the pieces are on the playing field, run around for no apparent reason, then settle down.

Wait whilst the Him or Her uses the scrapey wossname to assemble the leafs  into heaps. Bonus points if you can extract some “good boy”s or treats during this phase of the game. This is called “tactics”, “psyching” or “bluff” and is the intellectual part of the game.

When the second leafs heap is about half-way done, assume The Position and commence sWeeping! All sWeeps must be enacted before the last leafs heap has been safely transferred to its scoring bin.

A quarter-sWeep involves charging through a completed leafs heap.

A half-sWeep is achieved by charging into a leafs heap, screeching to a halt, then picking up mouthfuls of leafs and scattering them, before charging off with the biggest mouthful of leafs you can muster.

A full-sWeep occurs if you are able to do this often enough through all piles of leafs that your Him or Her is reduced to tears. It does not matter if these are tears of rage or pure exhausted sorrow, as long as there are tears.

If a sucky-vanisher is in play, extra points are scored for each time you successfully chew on the electric flex without being spotted.

Ending The Game
The game ends when one of the following conditions is met:

• all leafs are irretrievably scattered back around the playing area and the Him or Her gives up (I have yet to achieve this, my ultimate goal)
• all leafs are successfully retrieved by the Him or Her and deposited into the leaf containers
• the Him or Her dissolves into inconsolable sobbing and simply gives up (ideally in tandem with the first end game above)
• you are forcibly removed from the field by the Him or Her and shut in the house

Winning
You always win. No matter what. That’s the best bit!

[Editor’s note: Gibson has been repeatedly told that they are leaves, not leafs. He refuses to believe this, and maintains that we are ignorant and should not interfere in the work of a great artist.]